Treasures of the Heart

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19 NIV

..list my tears on your scroll - are they not in your record? Psalm 56:8 NIV

At times I'd feel distressed, even angry with myself at the thought that I would forget the sound of my Mother's voice or the details of times we spent together. At times it was if I'd 'blanked out' and the harder I'd try to remember, the more elusive it would get. I believe God, in His wisdom, protects us from being overwhelmed.  Especially immediately after the loss of a loved one, when you're in shock, emotions and perception are magnified, exaggerated or even distorted by grief. As time has gone by and I come across a favorite scent, a picture, a piece of jewelry or other treasured memento, the memories of how it came about come flooding back to me. It is then that I realize her memory is 'treasured up' forever in my heart and can never leave me.  The memories I hold are treasures that I can bring out and share, a legacy of a love that will endure forever. In every loving gesture, in my son's laughter, in  the scent of jasmine on my porch, in each glance in the mirror, Mom continues to touch my heart and my life and of those I hold dear and always will.

Forever Changed

Most people who have experienced grief and loss of a beloved family member or friend are forever changed by the experience, they have more depth of compassion and a new awareness of our humanity. We become more acutely aware of our own mortality and what is truly important in life. Grief sets you apart and makes you different.
Once you have been to the funeral, often after a hospital bed vigil, hospice or other difficult circumstances you will better understand what others are going through and know what will be of help to them.  If you have not experienced this depth of loss you will not fully understand until you do. We are thrown into this journey and we can never be fully prepared for it. Yet grief and loss will eventually touch us all. No one is immune. We each must each work through our own grief and come to accept change, make peace with a new way of life and embrace it. We heal as we cherish the family and friends who are with us and create new traditions.  In the midst of all these life changes God assures us that He never changes and will be our refuge and fortress. We can put our hand in His and allow Him to lead us into new life and hope.

I the Lord do not change Malachi 3:6 NIV

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff they comfort me. Psalm 23:4 NIV

Ambushed

..When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. Isaiah 43:2 NIV

Out of nowhere it hits me. Unprepared. Then..just when I think I have arrived, wham! I am swept up and ambushed in a wave of loss that leaves me dazed and wondering what happened. No one is exempt, we all have or will experience loss. What exactly will trigger your grief will surprise you. The sight of an empty chair, the aroma of brewing coffee, a favorite restaurant. When you lose someone close you grieve many losses. For me Mom was the person who knew me best, who was always rooting for me. We enjoyed many of the same things. I could always pick up the phone and talk to Mom. Each time I have a victory or happiness or need an ear to share I start for the phone to call. And then it hits me. I see her little traveling pillow she used to use for car trips now in the trunk of the car. And then it hits me. I am reminded that Jesus bore my grief on the cross and those who believe He rose again are not without hope. Mom loved Jesus and I know she is with Him awaiting our heavenly reunion.  I grieve, but I grow stronger because I do not grieve without hope.

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death , so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. " 1 Thess. 4:13 NIV

Share the Gift

Healing from the loss of my Mother has been the darkest road I've ever walked. God has been faithful to hear my every tear, my every heart cry. He has been there for me in amazing ways. Each day I grow a bit stronger and I have a new heart for others who grieve. I will never be the same. I carry  a scar, but I have hope and love in my life.  I have received some of the greatest blessing in being able to reach out to others. From the ashes of my devastation come the beauty of compassion. I am able to be there for others in a way I was not able to in the past and bring honor to the precious life Mom gave me. When you help others you focus less on yourself. I want to comfort others as I have been comforted.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 NIV
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

"Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in it's various forms." 1 Peter 4:10 NIV

Looking Forward

I have so many precious memories of my Mom, she is always with me. Part of letting her go means I can't allow my emotions about her loss to affect my daily life decisions. It means not letting the past control my future. I can choose to stay 'stuck' in my grief feeling sorry for myself or I can choose to live fully and honor the life she gave me. It is OK for me to enjoy myself, to laugh again and not dwell on 'what if' or what might have been. Every day I wake up and see to the needs of my family, I feel her in the warmth of the sun and in the breeze of daily life she is there. In every hug, every smile and "I love you" she is there. She is there with the smell of freshly brewing coffee, in the sound of the evening crickets and in the glory of each sunset. She is there with the hope and dreams I have for the future cheering me on. I have a lot of living and loving to do.

"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off" (Proverbs 23:18).

Letting Go

As Mother's Day draws nearer I find myself reminiscing about Mom. I've finally been able to go through more of her things and find myself smiling and crying, sometimes at the same time. Mom was such a caring and giving person. I also find myself with a deeper understanding of her feelings in certain situations now, how important her family being together was to her and much she sacrificed on so many levels to keep our family close.

As we love and honor each other, we honor her legacy of love. It had been hard for me to let go of any of her things, but I know the time has come for me to let go and set her free.   I've been giving some of her things to those in need and to those who would appreciate them. I know this is what she would have wanted more than me just holding on to them if I couldn't use them. I cherish the memories, but am passing on the blessings. I hold Mom in my heart and am ready for a new level of freedom.

"Freely you have received; freely give" Matthew 10:8 NIV

Mother's Day Angst

This week marks the last time Mom stayed at my home and also our last Mother's Day together. We shopped for clothes, plants and had lunches and dinners out. I went for my Mother's Day pedicure at the new place for the second time today. Mom's favorite Kenny G music played the duration of my visit, ending with "I Will Always Love You"  The phone rang and it was the same ring tone music I used to have for Mom and growing by the front counter a peanut cactus, a special plant Mom and I inherited from Grandma Ogilvie. Once again, Mom made her loving presence known to me when I needed it.

A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out Isaiah 42:3 NIV