Angry

Sleep eludes me. I'm surprised at that after over a year, the intensity of the anger I feel at the loss of my mother. I know she suffered in silence for a long time, largely, for our sake. I struggle with reconciling the unquestionable love we had with the fact that she hid this from us and refused to see a doctor for so long, robbing us of any chance of her receiving help. Of me being able to help make her more comfortable. The idea of her suffering and carrying this by herself broke my heart. The guilt and pain was crushing, almost unbearable in the beginning. We initially did not even know the cause of her death and there had to be an autopsy.  I guess I am still working through my feelings about all of this. I know this was never her intent for herself or any of us, but I was totally unprepared for her sudden passing. To find unmistakable signs she absolutely knew her time was short and kept it from us.  To know she had wanted to live,but at some point concluded she would not be able to overcome. And I was not able to share in that, to offer comfort or make things easier for her. To say goodbye. The last visit and phone conversations we had I had no idea it would be the last. I know some of these feelings aren't rational on my part, but still I have them. I am angry how this happened and Mom I forgive you, but forgiving myself is harder than I could ever have imagined.  The gaping wound in my heart is still healing, well at least growing scar tissue.  I know I will never be the same and yet I know from this I have grown as a person and will be able to help others.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 
Lamentations 3:22 NIV 

I'm Free

This is the poem from my grandmother's memorial service.  I hope it gives a measure of comfort as it did for me.  Mom, you're finally back with Grandma and Josephine (my great grandmother). Dear God watch over them until we meet again.

                                                                     I'm Free
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free.
I'm following the path God laid for me,
I took His hand when I heard him call
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play,
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found that place at close of day.

If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy,
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah yes, these things, I too, will miss.

Be not burdened with time of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow
My life's been full, I savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me
God wanted me now, He set me free.

~ Author Unknown

It's Been A Long Time

A bruised reed He will not break, a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness He will bring forth justice. Isaiah 42:3

It's been a long time. I've had a very emotional time since we marked the 1 year anniversary of Mom's passing. Dad found a urn for Mom and a matching mini urn for me. Dad and my uncle are in Pennsylvania now to bury Mom next to my Grandma, who passed in 1999. I never would have thought I'd want to have an urn for Mom at home. Well, not until she left me. While I know she is with the LORD and is free from her earthly suffering, it is still hard for me to know she will be laid to rest so far from here. I really felt the need to have a part of her with me in remembrance. It's just another finality that my soul has needed time to come to terms with. I understand how Mom felt now and why it is good for her to be near her own mother. More important to me than any physical marker is the memory of her I carry in and out through my heart each day as I live this precious life she gave to me.  In less than 2 weeks is what would have been your 71st birthday. I see your smile in my son and feel your love and understanding in the smell of my morning coffee. I hear your voice in the sound of the wind rushing through the trees in their Fall glory. I love you Mom.