Angry

Sleep eludes me. I'm surprised at that after over a year, the intensity of the anger I feel at the loss of my mother. I know she suffered in silence for a long time, largely, for our sake. I struggle with reconciling the unquestionable love we had with the fact that she hid this from us and refused to see a doctor for so long, robbing us of any chance of her receiving help. Of me being able to help make her more comfortable. The idea of her suffering and carrying this by herself broke my heart. The guilt and pain was crushing, almost unbearable in the beginning. We initially did not even know the cause of her death and there had to be an autopsy.  I guess I am still working through my feelings about all of this. I know this was never her intent for herself or any of us, but I was totally unprepared for her sudden passing. To find unmistakable signs she absolutely knew her time was short and kept it from us.  To know she had wanted to live,but at some point concluded she would not be able to overcome. And I was not able to share in that, to offer comfort or make things easier for her. To say goodbye. The last visit and phone conversations we had I had no idea it would be the last. I know some of these feelings aren't rational on my part, but still I have them. I am angry how this happened and Mom I forgive you, but forgiving myself is harder than I could ever have imagined.  The gaping wound in my heart is still healing, well at least growing scar tissue.  I know I will never be the same and yet I know from this I have grown as a person and will be able to help others.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 
Lamentations 3:22 NIV