Goodbye 2013

Acts 1:11 "Men of Galilee," they said, "why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus , who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven."


Well, another year comes to a close without you Mom. I'm missing you so much. I'm facing some difficult things and I wish I could call you and talk like we used to. I remember the last few years you always hesitated and wanted to stay on the line when we would start to hang up. We usually would end up talking more but sometimes we didn't.   Dad was here. He doesn't say much but I know he is heart broken and mine is too because I can't fix this. I know we really have drawn closer  and Mom, we're taking care of Dad. I know that would make you happy. I guess my grief is hitting me because another year goes by. I know in my heart you had to leave and you are with the LORD. I have hope I will see you again. Happy New Year Mom.

Angry

Sleep eludes me. I'm surprised at that after over a year, the intensity of the anger I feel at the loss of my mother. I know she suffered in silence for a long time, largely, for our sake. I struggle with reconciling the unquestionable love we had with the fact that she hid this from us and refused to see a doctor for so long, robbing us of any chance of her receiving help. Of me being able to help make her more comfortable. The idea of her suffering and carrying this by herself broke my heart. The guilt and pain was crushing, almost unbearable in the beginning. We initially did not even know the cause of her death and there had to be an autopsy.  I guess I am still working through my feelings about all of this. I know this was never her intent for herself or any of us, but I was totally unprepared for her sudden passing. To find unmistakable signs she absolutely knew her time was short and kept it from us.  To know she had wanted to live,but at some point concluded she would not be able to overcome. And I was not able to share in that, to offer comfort or make things easier for her. To say goodbye. The last visit and phone conversations we had I had no idea it would be the last. I know some of these feelings aren't rational on my part, but still I have them. I am angry how this happened and Mom I forgive you, but forgiving myself is harder than I could ever have imagined.  The gaping wound in my heart is still healing, well at least growing scar tissue.  I know I will never be the same and yet I know from this I have grown as a person and will be able to help others.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 
Lamentations 3:22 NIV 

I'm Free

This is the poem from my grandmother's memorial service.  I hope it gives a measure of comfort as it did for me.  Mom, you're finally back with Grandma and Josephine (my great grandmother). Dear God watch over them until we meet again.

                                                                     I'm Free
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free.
I'm following the path God laid for me,
I took His hand when I heard him call
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play,
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found that place at close of day.

If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy,
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah yes, these things, I too, will miss.

Be not burdened with time of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow
My life's been full, I savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me
God wanted me now, He set me free.

~ Author Unknown

It's Been A Long Time

A bruised reed He will not break, a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness He will bring forth justice. Isaiah 42:3

It's been a long time. I've had a very emotional time since we marked the 1 year anniversary of Mom's passing. Dad found a urn for Mom and a matching mini urn for me. Dad and my uncle are in Pennsylvania now to bury Mom next to my Grandma, who passed in 1999. I never would have thought I'd want to have an urn for Mom at home. Well, not until she left me. While I know she is with the LORD and is free from her earthly suffering, it is still hard for me to know she will be laid to rest so far from here. I really felt the need to have a part of her with me in remembrance. It's just another finality that my soul has needed time to come to terms with. I understand how Mom felt now and why it is good for her to be near her own mother. More important to me than any physical marker is the memory of her I carry in and out through my heart each day as I live this precious life she gave to me.  In less than 2 weeks is what would have been your 71st birthday. I see your smile in my son and feel your love and understanding in the smell of my morning coffee. I hear your voice in the sound of the wind rushing through the trees in their Fall glory. I love you Mom.

It's Been One Year

A simple poem as we mark one year since your passing. Mom left her earthly body August 28, 2012 and we said goodbye August 30, 2012.  Mom, we love and miss you  so much.

I can't believe it's been one year.
One year ago today.
One year of missing you,
of wishing you could have stayed.
The days turns into weeks, the weeks turn into years.
I'm learning to go on without you,
but my pillow knows my tears.
Oh how I long to see your face again,
to spend just one more day.
I treasure the time we had more than words alone can say.

My Mother

Her children rise up and call her blessed....Proverbs 31:28


This is the eulogy I wrote for my beloved mother.

To tell you the truth I had a hard time putting what my mom has meant to me into writing.  How can I confine a lifetime of such selfless love and devotion to her family to a piece of paper?  My mom is part of me, she is the one who showed me what love really is, what it means to be a wife, mother, sister and a friend. What it means to love and be loved.
We shared so much together as a family, but also as mother and daughter we shared the simple things. Things like shopping, lunches, school activities, trips to the ocean, all centered on her love and dreams for us. She was our biggest cheerleader.
One word that comes to mind is "fierce". My mother was fiercely loyal and she cared about anything we cared about. One of my friends from 35 years ago, who was without her mom at the time and spent the night with us, still remembers her kindness and the pancakes she made for us for breakfast.Her love and devotion has touched many lives.
I will cherish our memories and will honor her love and life by carrying her spirit in my heart as I live the life she gave to me to the fullest, sharing the beauty of her memory always.

Grandma

"One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts." Psalm 145:4 NIV

My maternal grandmother, Dorothy was such a fun-loving, vivacious and lovely woman. My earliest memories of her are of her vibrant red hair and playing with her jewelry, which she would wrap around my head and call me "The Queen of Sheba" Grandma owned her own home and lived as a 'single working Mom" in a time when it still raised eyebrows.  I was in awe of her thick all white shag rug and her elephant collection. My Grandmother was an award winning ballroom dancer, but she also listened to Jim Croce and Pat Travers! Grandma was always up for trying something new, be it a restaurant, music or a movie, she was at the gate and ready! Whenever I came to stay with Grandma she always had all my favorite foods in this mini refrigerator she had in her spare room. As far as I was concerned this was the coolest thing ever! My mother told me stories how Grandma would hand sew beautiful party and church dresses when money was tight. I remember wearing "Maxi" dresses (like most little girls in the 1970s) Grandma made for me. As I grew up, we did things together. When I was in my 20s we still rented Disney movies to watch and oh my how she loved shopping! Mom and I clearly came by our love of shopping honestly! More importantly, it was from Grandma that the legacy of love for God and family was instilled in my mother which was passed down to her children. Grandma had the gift of encouragement. Nowhere was this was more evident then at her memorial. According to my mother, the day of the services the weather was bitter cold and snowing, she was surprised at the outpouring of people who still came forward to share the impact she had made on their lives. Grandma has been gone for over 14 years and I still talk to her and the sight of an elephant will sometimes make me tear up.  I have a new understanding of the heartbreak my mother experienced when we lost Grandma. I know they are safe with the Lord Jesus and are free of their earthly pain and struggles. I will see them both again.

Treasures of the Heart

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19 NIV

..list my tears on your scroll - are they not in your record? Psalm 56:8 NIV

At times I'd feel distressed, even angry with myself at the thought that I would forget the sound of my Mother's voice or the details of times we spent together. At times it was if I'd 'blanked out' and the harder I'd try to remember, the more elusive it would get. I believe God, in His wisdom, protects us from being overwhelmed.  Especially immediately after the loss of a loved one, when you're in shock, emotions and perception are magnified, exaggerated or even distorted by grief. As time has gone by and I come across a favorite scent, a picture, a piece of jewelry or other treasured memento, the memories of how it came about come flooding back to me. It is then that I realize her memory is 'treasured up' forever in my heart and can never leave me.  The memories I hold are treasures that I can bring out and share, a legacy of a love that will endure forever. In every loving gesture, in my son's laughter, in  the scent of jasmine on my porch, in each glance in the mirror, Mom continues to touch my heart and my life and of those I hold dear and always will.

Forever Changed

Most people who have experienced grief and loss of a beloved family member or friend are forever changed by the experience, they have more depth of compassion and a new awareness of our humanity. We become more acutely aware of our own mortality and what is truly important in life. Grief sets you apart and makes you different.
Once you have been to the funeral, often after a hospital bed vigil, hospice or other difficult circumstances you will better understand what others are going through and know what will be of help to them.  If you have not experienced this depth of loss you will not fully understand until you do. We are thrown into this journey and we can never be fully prepared for it. Yet grief and loss will eventually touch us all. No one is immune. We each must each work through our own grief and come to accept change, make peace with a new way of life and embrace it. We heal as we cherish the family and friends who are with us and create new traditions.  In the midst of all these life changes God assures us that He never changes and will be our refuge and fortress. We can put our hand in His and allow Him to lead us into new life and hope.

I the Lord do not change Malachi 3:6 NIV

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff they comfort me. Psalm 23:4 NIV

Ambushed

..When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. Isaiah 43:2 NIV

Out of nowhere it hits me. Unprepared. Then..just when I think I have arrived, wham! I am swept up and ambushed in a wave of loss that leaves me dazed and wondering what happened. No one is exempt, we all have or will experience loss. What exactly will trigger your grief will surprise you. The sight of an empty chair, the aroma of brewing coffee, a favorite restaurant. When you lose someone close you grieve many losses. For me Mom was the person who knew me best, who was always rooting for me. We enjoyed many of the same things. I could always pick up the phone and talk to Mom. Each time I have a victory or happiness or need an ear to share I start for the phone to call. And then it hits me. I see her little traveling pillow she used to use for car trips now in the trunk of the car. And then it hits me. I am reminded that Jesus bore my grief on the cross and those who believe He rose again are not without hope. Mom loved Jesus and I know she is with Him awaiting our heavenly reunion.  I grieve, but I grow stronger because I do not grieve without hope.

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death , so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. " 1 Thess. 4:13 NIV

Share the Gift

Healing from the loss of my Mother has been the darkest road I've ever walked. God has been faithful to hear my every tear, my every heart cry. He has been there for me in amazing ways. Each day I grow a bit stronger and I have a new heart for others who grieve. I will never be the same. I carry  a scar, but I have hope and love in my life.  I have received some of the greatest blessing in being able to reach out to others. From the ashes of my devastation come the beauty of compassion. I am able to be there for others in a way I was not able to in the past and bring honor to the precious life Mom gave me. When you help others you focus less on yourself. I want to comfort others as I have been comforted.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 NIV
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

"Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in it's various forms." 1 Peter 4:10 NIV

Looking Forward

I have so many precious memories of my Mom, she is always with me. Part of letting her go means I can't allow my emotions about her loss to affect my daily life decisions. It means not letting the past control my future. I can choose to stay 'stuck' in my grief feeling sorry for myself or I can choose to live fully and honor the life she gave me. It is OK for me to enjoy myself, to laugh again and not dwell on 'what if' or what might have been. Every day I wake up and see to the needs of my family, I feel her in the warmth of the sun and in the breeze of daily life she is there. In every hug, every smile and "I love you" she is there. She is there with the smell of freshly brewing coffee, in the sound of the evening crickets and in the glory of each sunset. She is there with the hope and dreams I have for the future cheering me on. I have a lot of living and loving to do.

"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off" (Proverbs 23:18).

Letting Go

As Mother's Day draws nearer I find myself reminiscing about Mom. I've finally been able to go through more of her things and find myself smiling and crying, sometimes at the same time. Mom was such a caring and giving person. I also find myself with a deeper understanding of her feelings in certain situations now, how important her family being together was to her and much she sacrificed on so many levels to keep our family close.

As we love and honor each other, we honor her legacy of love. It had been hard for me to let go of any of her things, but I know the time has come for me to let go and set her free.   I've been giving some of her things to those in need and to those who would appreciate them. I know this is what she would have wanted more than me just holding on to them if I couldn't use them. I cherish the memories, but am passing on the blessings. I hold Mom in my heart and am ready for a new level of freedom.

"Freely you have received; freely give" Matthew 10:8 NIV

Mother's Day Angst

This week marks the last time Mom stayed at my home and also our last Mother's Day together. We shopped for clothes, plants and had lunches and dinners out. I went for my Mother's Day pedicure at the new place for the second time today. Mom's favorite Kenny G music played the duration of my visit, ending with "I Will Always Love You"  The phone rang and it was the same ring tone music I used to have for Mom and growing by the front counter a peanut cactus, a special plant Mom and I inherited from Grandma Ogilvie. Once again, Mom made her loving presence known to me when I needed it.

A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out Isaiah 42:3 NIV

Sticks and Stones

But the things that come out of a person's mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. Matt. 15:18 NIV

I was bullied when I was about 12 and in the 7th grade. I remember when it started. I had gotten some new clothes, a "Betty Boop" shirt, elephant bell jeans and my first pair of heels, wedgies. We lived in Southeast San Jose, not far from the Santa Clara County Fairgrounds and it was not the best neighborhood.  I was walking from the school bus when the 'mean girls'  struck. These girls terrorized those they disliked (or felt threatened by) they certainly did not like a little blonde girl at this particular school. I didn't fit in.  They attacked another girl after school by holding her down and shaving off her eyebrows. I was terrified when they set me in their sights the day I wore my new clothes. They threw rocks at me , laughing while giving me menacing looks and threatening me. I once even walked the 3 miles home rather then endure the bus ride and subsequent walk home being menaced by these girls. They called me terrible names  I was just a young girl desperately trying to fit in and stay off the radar. I begged my Mom to drive me to school and she did, but she never knew the extent of my torment. I was too humiliated and scared to tell her. I somehow felt I was responsible for my plight (kids seem to think that if bad things happen to them, they must be a bad person or have done something bad to deserve it) and that pretending all was OK was the best way to cope.  Things were a lot different in the seventies and ratting would only make things worse. There were a lot of older teens in the place we lived and as I was becoming a young lady, boys were noticing me , which angered the girls in the crowd so they too began to menace me. I remember turning to Christ and being baptized. Not long after we  moved away to Blossom Valley and my life changed for the better, the first person I met was my lifelong best girlfriend. I still had a lot of challenges and definitely caused my share of trouble. Those years were some of the finest of my life. The things we do and say to others can really do damage. I can't recall what I ate for dinner a month ago, but I can recall those words and how they made me feel to this day and it has been almost forty years ago. That's the kind of impact our words can have on another person's life, it can wound and break a child's spirit. It was years before I was able to understand it was not my fault. The bible says we will give an account for every idle word we speak. I want to make sure that our son never has to endure this kind of pain.

Judge Not

Judge not, that ye not be judged. Matthew 7:1 KJV

Many like to cite this scripture of late.There there are those throwing this verse around to make a point and claim others are cherry picking from the bible. I find it interesting and tiresome that those using this one verse don't quote the subsequent verses.  In essence they are doing this very same thing by accusing  and attacking those of other viewpoints using this one scripture. The subsequent verses read:

For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull the mote out of thine eye; and behold , a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite first cast the beam out of thine own eye; then thou shalt see clearly to cast  the mote out of thy brother's eye. Matthew 7:2-5 KJV

Clearly this passage refers to hypocritical judgment. Of course we are to exercise judgment, this is just common sense. Are we going to let criminals roam the streets because we are to 'judge not' ?  Over and over in scripture we are exhorted to judge. Here are just a few. There are many more but I think these make the point.

Judge not according to the appearance, but judge the righteous judgment. John 7:24 KJV

The mouth of the righteous speaketh wisdom, and his tongue talketh of judgment. Psalm 37:30 KJV

Take heed..if thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. Luke 17:3 KJV

Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! 1 Corinthians 6:3 NIV

As far as political and cultural opinions, I can only say each of us will give an account to the LORD at the Judgment and no man can redefine what is sin and what isn't. I just would like to see this verse used in it's proper context.

Iron Sharpens Iron

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" Proverbs 27:17 NIV

Where would I be without my friends and family? My friends and family mirror God's goodness and love in my life. Others do also, just in a different way. Even those I thought were my friends that disappointed me. Even those who weren't friends. Even those annoying people who cut me off in traffic!  Notice the Proverb just says 'one person' not necessarily a friend. These act as sandpaper to my soul to reshape my attitude and ability to appreciate more those who have loved me, prayed for me, listened when I "bubble and snot" , have a hissy fit and process what the world throws my way. Even those who are difficult, inconsiderate, treacherous and downright hurtful have been used to make me grateful and more aware of the person I do not want to be. The life I do not want to live.  These experiences teach me how to set boundaries about what I will allow in my life and how to respond, not react. Going through hard times makes me mindful that things aren't always what they seem with someone else and a little kindness can go a long way. Sometimes being right and doing the right thing aren't the same thing. Sharpening iron can be a rough process, but the end result is something smooth, beautiful and of more value. God wants warriors, not whiners.

Reflections of Mom

It's been almost 8 months since my Mom passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack. She was only 69 and had hidden her condition from us. Looking back, there were signs, I know the Lord gave me a few, but I think I was in denial. The first 3 months were so hard. The first few weeks I was numb, everything seemed surreal. I was unable to concentrate, making even the smallest decisions difficult. I felt as if I was loosing my mind and I found myself going through our entire relationship with a fine tooth comb. If not for the hope and healing power of God, I think I would've lost my mind with grief. I've come to the conclusion that Mom went according to her own terms, her love for her family so intense that she wanted to protect us, but at the same time she knew she couldn't have withstood bypass surgery and did not want to live as an invalid.

God has, in His grace and compassion, give me signs along the way that she is with Him. For instance, I have a perpetual devotional calendar given to me by a dear friend over 20 years ago. I had been asking the LORD if she was OK and how could I be reassured she was with Him? When I looked at the entry for the date of her heart attack (she was on life support for 2 days and it was stopped on 8/30/12, but I knew in my heart she left her earthly body the day she had the heart attack) this was the devotional , "When the believer dies, the body goes into the grave; the soul and spirit go immediately to be with the LORD Jesus awaiting the body's resurrection, when they're joined together to be forever with the LORD in eternal bliss." Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." Luke 23:43 NIV Coincidence? I had this devotional for over 20 years. It was a gift to me by my best friend. A few days later, I was shopping at a favorite grocery store Mom and I used to go to all the time. As I entered the store to shop "In the Arms of an Angel" began playing. Coincidence? Mom loved plants and gardening. She HATED gardenias because they reminded her of funerals, which always terrified her from childhood experiences with full mass funerals. She could hardly bear to visit the cemetery in Santa Rosa where my grandfather is buried) Another dear friend (who did not know about this) later said she was prompted to send me a gardenia. To me this was a sign she was at peace and no longer afraid. Coincidence? In my garden, one of my rose bushes produced the most gorgeous purple bloom. In December. Coincidence? On my first birthday without Mom  I was getting a pedicure (Mom and I frequently got pedicures together) and a Kenny G (Mom loved Kenny G and we went to his concert together) version of "I will always Love You" I'd never heard before began playing. Then the salon phone rang and it was the special ringtone I had for her.  Coincidence? I choose to believe God is faithful and He has my Mother safe with Him. I will see her again one day.

Why I Love Mineral Cosmetics

Hi Everyone! My name is Lisa and I am a Christian,   fiftysomething    mom to  year old Zack.
I discovered mineral cosmetics about 8 years ago. I fell in love with the airbrushed look and feel, yet full coverage (built in SPF and minimal ingredients also a plus) Also,  because minerals are so concentrated and long lasting, they're more economical.  I wish I had discovered them sooner, having endured years of expensive, heavy, mask-like, orange-turning foundations of the 1980s!  Another plus is this makeup is virtually waterproof! I became a distributor for Classy Minerals in 2006 because they are the best products I have ever used.
I like to apply my mineral foundation with a large jumbo buffer or kabuki. I squirt a few pumps of my favorite Beauty Boost mineral setting spray into a small steel pinch bowl, tap out a bit of the liquid powder mineral foundation and sweep my brush in the mixture and then quickly apply to my face in circular sweeping motions until my desired coverage is achieved. I then add a bit more spray and tap in some Bisque concealer and apply with a concealer brush to areas that need more attention (under eyes, sides of nose etc)
To apply mineral blush less is more. I periodically dip my brush into a palette with a bit of blush , spray it 1-2 times with the setting spray and apply in a "3" shape for a watercolor finish. The next day I may only just spray my brush and apply , add more blush as needed.
One of my favorite eye looks is to apply an all-over wash of color to my eyelid and add  a pop of color by lining with a bolder mineral color. Spraying your brush after it is dipped in the shadow will give you a wonderful foiled effect and also works well for lining the eyes. I then frame my eyes by shaping my brows with a brow brush and Dark brown mineral powder.
I finish and pull my look together with Beige Glow finisher mineral veil. Beige glow lends the perfect healthy 'dewy' finish for me, not too matte or too shimmery both of which are unflattering to fine lines and the like. Have you tried mineral cosmetics?